Be Honest With Your Grief

I’m going to be honest with you and tell you all that I have been in a really hard place lately. As I have said, heard, and experienced grief comes and goes in waves and is not always linear. If grief is a wave then I am under the ocean right now. I don’t say this to get sympathy, I am saying this to bring awareness to what grief is really like. I have been missing my daughter so much lately, and it has been harder than usual to be able to put myself back together.  A small yet really hard thing that I have found recently that helps is being honest with and about your grief.

Ben and I went to see Incredibles 2 recently (no spoilers I promise!). We sat in the theater at 11 am with a bunch of beautiful families with children. Shout out the the Momma breastfeeding her little next to us! (#normalizebreastfeeding). I hate to say it but it hurt my heart to be around these lovely families. Then the short before the movie came on, and if you have seen it you know why I was crying my eyes out. So needless to say this experience started off with grief weighing heavy on my heart. The movie was going fine, I was trying not think to hard about the hilarious resemblance between  Jack-Jack (the Incredibles baby son) and Scarlett. Again no spoilers but both Jack-Jack and Scarlett had the same affinity for cookies. In fact Scarlett’s last word she spoke was her saying Hi to a cookie she saw on a table in the ER room. The part that ruined me was toward the end of the movie when Helen (the mom) is embracing her 3 children and Jack-Jack pats her back during the hug. That was something Scarlett did all the time, something I hadn't thought of in such a long time. It ripped me apart, in the moments just after that hug, I was reeling, thinking how could I have forgotten something she did all of the time! I felt like a bad mom! At the same time I am shaming myself and burying my self under guilt, my brain is also reminding me that I will never again be able to feel her little chunky hands patting my back while we were hugging. Just thinking that I will never be able to feel her sends into tearful mess. It was such a small action but it added so much weight of grief onto me that day.

I will always miss Scarlett’s back pats, her saying hi to cookies, and everything else about her.

I talk a lot about ninja tears on my blog and these were not just your run-of-the-mill ninja tears, they were large boulders of grief dropped right on my heart and it will take some time for me to recover.

When the movie was done I was trying to hide my tears from Ben. I knew he could see I was off but I felt as if hiding them or pretending I was okay would help me be okay. That is not true my friends, it could never be more untrue. We were in the car driving to the mall, with a podcast on the radio, when I paused it and told Ben. “I am not okay, I am not okay at all” I proceeded to tell him why my heart hurt so much, he just listened and it felt so good to be honest. I felt better right away. It didn’t fix my grief (because nothing can) but it helped me to connect to someone. which is healing in it's own way. It is hard being vulnerable like this, it is hard trusting someone (even your favorite person in the world) with your fragile emotions, but my friends it is worth it.

I have also been talking a lot about Hope recently on social medial so I wanted to leave you with this quote.

“In this blissful, deliriously heartbreaking moment there is only four letter that I can think about. Hope.”  

( I wrote this down after I read it from a book but I don’t know which book it was!)