Our Rainbow

The Big News is finally out! Ben and I are expecting our second baby, Scarlett’s little sibling, our rainbow! We knew almost right after Scarlett passed away that we wanted to continue to have children, we absolutely adored being Scarlett’s parents. However we did not expect this miracle so soon after. Our rainbow's due date is 4 days before the 1 year anniversary of Scarlett's death. That in itself is so bittersweet. Is this Scarlett letting us have something to celebrate in January, showing us that where death is life blooms shortly after? It feels too coincidental to not have Scarlett have a  hand in this, especially since I found out the day before Mother’s Day that I was expecting. I cried so, so hard that day. There were tears of both extreme grief and extreme happiness. I was so sad that Scarlett would not be here physically with us to meet her baby sibling, but I was overjoyed that she sent me this gift for Mother’s Day. It was the sweetest way to find out. I laid on the ground of Scarlett’s room holding and crying over this test that had my pee all over. It must have been a ridiculous sight to see! I want to make this clear though, this baby is not replacing Scarlett, nothing ever could replace her. It’s not us trying to “move on”, it is us choosing love over fear, there is no “moving on” there is only living without.

Overall pregnancy this time isn’t too different physically, I have the same exact symptoms as I did with Scarlett, except I have a little bigger bump at 13 weeks. What is different are my emotions. I find my emotional strength is a lot more fragile. My anxiety flourishes whether is is about baby or anything else, I have to be extra graceful with myself right now, I find myself trying to hold better space for the emotions I don't want to have, I have them regardless, they are part of me and need love too. Something I do want to mention is if you know a pregnancy/parenting after loss parent hold so much space for their anxiety. Invalidating their anxiety by telling them to think positive or that everything will work it is extremely dis-serving. We (PALs parents) have had the worst happen, we have been there and still grieve our losses, we know that tragedy does not pick and choose who to touch. Tragedy has touched us and we know that life isn't’ fair and it could happen to us again. Our anxiety is not to be minimized. Just listen and be there with us. As for me it is not only anxiety that is heightened, my grief has gone deeper, but also I find hope and gratitude more often. I have never been able to go from being so, so very sad to feeling so, so very grateful and happy in such a short time.

This new baby feels like pure hope for me, like the rope I can climb to start to see the sunlight again. This pregnancy and new baby will be the journey of a lifetime. There will be mistakes, breakdowns and hard times but there will be love, deep, deep love and gratitude. I will always be grateful to have had Scarlett in my life, even for such a short time, now I get to be grateful for another soul.  Even though they will never exist on Earth at the same time, I’m sure that they know each other, I'm so sure Scarlett picked them out, prefect for our family. Scarlett would have been the absolute best big sister on earth, now she will be the best big sister from Heaven.

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