Grief Dreams, Ninja Tears, and Loneliness

I have had many dreams of Scarlett since she passed away. This last dream I had of a few days ago has been sticking with me and every time I think of it I get that lump in my throat, the one threatening tears wherever you are. We were in a dark hospital, no one was there except for me, I was wandering through the hallways and I found Scarlett laying in a bed. I rejoiced! I picked her up, snuggled her, kissed her and immediately began to breastfeed her. I rocked her back and forth, singing to her and just thinking, “There you are my love, I found you, finally.” We just sat there together on the hospital bed, in the dark hallway, no one around. Do you ever have the dreams where you did something horrible in your dream and you wake up relieved that it was only a dream? Well this was the exact opposite. I woke up crying, praying this dream was real. Praying to God that Scarlett was okay, and when I opened my eyes she would be lying right next to me. I would give anything in the world to have be true, but it’s not true, my daughter is dead. Scarlett is dead, and I only have her in my dreams now. What I have been missing the most lately is her love for me. I miss her reaching up to me to be picked up, I miss her hugs and sloppy kisses. I miss the way she looked at me as we began to breastfeed. I miss is all, even what Mom’s complain about on Facebook. I miss sleepless nights, it meant more time holding her. I miss blowouts and tantrums and teething, it all meant she was alive. Seeing those posts where Mom’s complain rip my insides apart and turn me into a person I don’t want to be, I just want to message them and say. “I get that being a Mom is hard, so very hard, but your baby is alive.” I would give anything to have one more sleepless night, clean up one more blowout, soothe one more tantrum.

I was thinking about this dream I had at work yesterday as I walked past the pumping room at work. The room that I spent so much time in. The room that Scarlett and Ben visited me in once a day everyday that I worked, and wouldn't you know it those ninja tears struck. They stayed with me all day, in between passing meds, checking on my patients, talking to doctors and other co-workers. I was crying. I just couldn't stop, I even went to talk to my boss about good news and cried right at her desk. I. Just. Could. Not. Stop. Thankfully everyone I work with is amazing and held space for me while this sudden grieving attack threatened my day. It just goes to show you that it doesn't matter where you are, or who you are, your grief is with you.

Grief creates loneliness, even if you have a beautiful support like I do, the loneliness is there. I felt lonely because I was the only one who had experienced that dream, in fact I didn't even tell Ben about it til yesterday. I feel lonely when I read the Mom posts on Facebook, whether they are complaining or not my only baby is in Heaven so my Mom posts will look a lot different from now on. I feel lonely when the ninja tears happen, even if  someone hugging me at the time, I feel galaxies away. I know people understand my grief, but at the same time all grief is different. My grief is even different from Bens. I think this is a beautiful difference in humans but It also creates a loneliness that is hard to explain. I think that best thing to do if you see someone experiencing ninja tears or if you think someone is feeling lonely because their grief is putting walls up, say to them that you are standing with them, even if you have no words, a hand on the shoulder and a simple “ I am here, I care.” is so comforting. A big part of my loneliness is that I feel like I am making people uncomfortable with my sadness, so I seclude myself when I am feeling the ninja tears coming. If you see someone crying it would be nice to say, “it’s okay to cry, you are doing the very best you can with what you have, and I am here for you” I cannot tell you enough how much this would make a difference in someone's day.

Thank you to everyone who has made me feel less lonely with your kind hugs and beautiful words.

Let’s continue to #spreadscarlettshappiness