I haven't updated the blog in a while. I wish I could tell you that it was because I was busy having fun, and enjoying life, but in reality it was grief. Lately grief has felt like lead boots, I feel so weighed down. It is incredibly heavy carrying the grief of losing a child around. It consumes your energy, and a laugh or a smile might use up all the energy you have and then you are just left with the weight. At first I judged myself for this, I was upset with myself. I felt that I was “getting better” why am I feeling this way now? I thought a lot of means things about myself, to be honest. I felt like a fraud in many ways. My wonderful therapist ( no shame in my healing game!) has been telling me to have grace for myself. She told me this anytime I told her that I should be farther along, or that I feel like I backtracked. At first I was like “oh sure that’s nice” but I didn't actually do it, truly I didn't know how to do it. So as I am talking to her about this recent low, she again tells me to have some grace for myself. Then it hit me, like a ton of bricks, and instantly lifted some of the weight. Having grace for myself is not judging myself for giving myself what I need while I am grieving. Sometimes I need fun, wild adventures with friends, sometimes I need a whole day to rest in my pajamas so that I can re-energize. She helped me see that moving all of the time doesn't serve me, just like staying still all of the time does not serve me either.
By having grace for myself I am listening to my body and letting my body decide what it needs for the day, it also goes one step further than that. It is choosing what your body needs and not judging yourself for it, instead you are sending yourself love for choosing what you need. It is such a simple concept, yet very hard to do, especially for me. So I invite everyone reading this, to listen to your body today and do what would serve you best, all the while having love and grace for yourself. Grieving is such a winding and twisting road, filled with leaps forward and fall backs. It’s full of moments of pure love and beauty, and it’s full of sadness so deep and painful that you physically cannot move. Both extremes are needed for this life long journey of healing. Pain and joy are both necessary in growth, and may be experienced at the exact same time. I have never experienced looking at a sunset and being so grateful ,and joyful to be alive and at the same time feel so much pain ,and sorrow that Scarlett is not watching that same sunset with me. Grief will give you such a wide range of emotions. Instead of trying to change my emotions, I have grace for myself. I surrender myself and let myself journey this grief in a place free of judgment.
Let me know how you have grace for yourself in your daily life!
As always #spreadscarlettshappiness