The Second Month
These past weeks have been really hard. I thought that nothing would compare to the pain that occured days just after losing Scarlett, but the second month is turning out to be incredibly painful. The shock has worn off and life has this empty Scarlett shaped hole, that nothing can or will ever fill. Everything reminds me of her and I am wrestling with wanting to be reminded and wanting to be distracted. We got her hand castings in the mail today from the hospital. It is so hard looking at that beautiful, tiny, chubby little casting of her hand. It’s not her, but it has her fingerprints and wrist rolls. It almost feels like her, like I can hold her hand again. It is gut wrenchingly hard to put it down and walk away from it. I could spend hours holding and careessing this Scarlett substitute. Tears wet my cheeks and fall onto the plaster, it feels like a black hole in my chest opens up and sucks all of the sadness in the world into it. It hurts to even breath. It hurts to live.
These past two weeks have been pretty dark for me. It’s so hard to fall asleep without thinking about how I just want to let it all go, and go home to her. I know I am not the only one grieving who has thought this thought. I’m sure I will think about it again. It’s not even a sad thought for me, death has changed for me. Now death means going home to Scarlett. I don’t want anyone to worry, I promise I am in no danger from this thought. The reason why I want you all to read this is to help end the stigma of grief. Its okay for me to not be okay right now.
I am trying to find a greater purpose in this pain and suffering. I want to help people who are grieving too. I want to share our story and listen to other’s stories. I want to build a community for collective grief healing. My pain and suffering is still so raw right now, but it will soften one day. One day I know I will be strong enough to hold others up. I want to change the stigma of grief and death, I want you all to help me. Please reach out to me if you are grieving, let’s talk, let’s meet, let’s remember your beautiful loved one.