With the changing of the weather comes deep sadness for me. I was so excited for the weather to get warm, our family was going to do so many fun things this summer, I thought. Now winter is over. Scarlett died in the winter and now spring is here. The flowers are blooming, robins bounce around the trunks of the trees, all the birds are singing their relief. Time is marching on, leaving Scarlett behind. It’s hard because I kinda feel stuck in January, and all around me is March, almost April, but my head and my heart are still living in January, on the 24th. Frozen.
Here is where I change my tune a little bit. I have been practicing turning my grief into gratitude. It’s like magic for me, its pure alchemy. I hold space for this sadness in my heart, I acknowledge it, I validate it, then I shift my thoughts to gratitude. I think “Thank you Scarlett for showing me that I love being a momma. Thank you Scarlett for giving me 15 months of loving you on earth, now I am loving you forever in Heaven.” I don’t know if everyone believes in this but I see signs from her all the time. Just last week she sent me two baby bird feathers, they were brilliant. I just knew that they were from her, telling me that she is okay. I am so grateful for the signs she gives to me. Today she gave me another sign. It is what inspired me to write this post. I hung a spring wreath on our front door a few weeks ago. It is a cute little DIY wreath with fun flowers and a sign that says hello. I was looking at it today, I don't know why I was drawn to it, but I found the cutest, smallest little birds nest. What a beautiful sign of hope for this spring season. Even though my baby is no longer physically with me, I have her spiritually, she lives on in me, in my heart. I am choosing to live wholeheartedly for her, and because of her. As I start to move from January to the present I take her love and light with me. It’s hard friends, so, so very hard. Tears are streaming down my face as I type this. However is is so, so worth it, I owe that to her, to live on, to always carry her with me, but to live on and spread her happiness. Scarlett, thank you for giving me the courage to live on, and to live in gratitude for you. You made me the happiest momma in the world, I will carry that with me always.
I think of this time for me as a metamorphosis, does any other person who is grieving feel that way? I will never be that same person I was before Scarlett died, but I am refusing to turn into something less than. The seasons are changing, so I am changing with it.
Keep reaching out friends, I am planning on starting a face-to-face group for people who are grieving. Any one interested?
I leave you with a song that I have had on repeat for days. Enjoy loves!