I went to a yoga class a few days ago with my sister. The sun was shining bright and they sky was a soft blue, and stepping into that place felt right in my heart. When paying for my class my eyes fell on a hat the read, GRATITUDE. What a weird feeling I had when I looked at that hat, I felt so sad and happy at the same time that tears welled up in my eyes. First of all if you know me, you know I am not a “hat person”. Second, what a strange feeling it was to have the want to buy this hat in this moment of my life. Gratitude. Say this word out loud with me. Gratitude. What would I have to be grateful for? My only child, my daughter, the light of my life is no longer Earth side. I won’t be able to hug, kiss,or tickle her anymore. I won’t be able to watch her grow into this beautiful, smart, courageous woman I knew she would be. What color would her hair have truly been, red or brown? I will never know. I will never hear her laugh again, never hear her say hi or say mom in her sweet way of holding the “O” sound. What on earth am I grateful for right now?
Friends, I don’t think I have ever felt gratefulness like this before. It is a deeper gratitude, a gratitude I might not even fully understand. I am so very grateful Scarlett chose me to be her Momma, this is a gratitude that resonates in my bones. I am so very grateful for the 15 beautiful months I had with her. I am grateful that she changed me, she made be a better person, a more loving and patient person. She made me a Momma, plain and simple. Because of her I know love so strong that even death cannot break it. I have so much to be grateful for, every smile, every giggle, every breath, and heartbeat even up to her last breath and last heartbeat. How could I not be! She was and still is my light. In this picture I used for this post, it was the last time I will ever lay next to her. I will be forever grateful that the nurses made this possible. I laid my head next to hers and held her hand, and I let the tears leak out of my eyes, as I pretended that we were at home in our bed, and that this was all a bad dream. I will be thankful for this moment forever.
I am also so grateful for my family and friends who have enveloped Ben and I in your loving embrace. I feel so honored to have you all in my life, truly. Thank you for your kindness, love, and prayers.
Learning to be a Momma of an angel baby will be the hardest thing I will ever do. I feel like I will be living here on Earth but a part of me will always be with Scarlett in heaven, I will be split in two. Always, with one ear to the ground and one to the sky. I am determined to walk this path with love and gratitude in my heart, instead of anger and fear. It would be so easy to fall into a life driven by anger and bitterness, but what a hard life that would be to live. I want to continue to champion Scarlett, I want to magnify her happiness and spread it to everyone I meet. I will start using the hashtag #spreadscarlettshappiness when I try to add a little bit more love and joy in the world. Feel free to do the same thing. I think the world deserves to know who Scarlett was, don't you?